Best foot forward....

My first post in WEEKS.

So much has happened, I knew it would be a crazy time but I didn’t realise just how out of control it would feel at times. At the worst, I’ve had a pounding heart, stinking headache, tight chest, even chest pains. Sometimes all at once. At the best, I’ve looked around my new locale during a sunrise or sunset, and have felt incredibly blessed. I’ll take all of the former (although not too often!) if the payoff is the latter.

I’ve finally started at the RCS. My journey started several months ago, back in March. Just over 6 months to the day that I registered.

I met my new teacher, auditioned, jumped through many hoops on the finance front, renovated an old house, cleared out years of junk, cut back on my material possessions, left full time employment, abandoned my beloved harp pupils and Brownies, upped sticksand eventually moved 420 miles North West of tropical North East Essex.

I have left the (normally) suited and booted world of business and finance.

I am now a fully paid up creative type, and a performer and artist of the future. The first time someone referred to me in this way, it was more than I could comprehend. And yet, when I looked around the packed theatre, I was indeed surrounded by many, many more performers and artists. Actors, film makers, producers, composers, opera singers , classical musicians, jazz musicians, in fact disciplines far too numerous to mention.

We had a fabulous lecture yesterday, about Higher Education and what it meant. Initially it was one of those clichéd “turn to someone you haven’t met and discuss what Higher Education is to you” moments. But then we were introduced to a wonderful creative manifesto, courtesy of Bruce Mau - Incomplete Manifesto for Growth. I had been inspired by many other words in the past, but this was a great one for the moment we were in.

As well as this, a wonderful quote was read to us, from On Lies, Secrets and Silence by Adrienne Rich. This was about Claiming rather than Receiving an Education. Frustatingly I can’t find the words on line to share here, but I will be exploring these much more in the future. Claiming being an active, empowered, entitled activity, as opposed to the passiveness of receiving.

I’ve met an inspiring composer, many wonderful guitarists, a lovely bassoonist, a gorgeous actor.  I’m struggling with a lack of tea, and can’t say I’m enjoying the bus journey to and from college.

But the practice sessions I’ve done over the last couple of days have had a new purpose. It’s a cliché, but I feel more free and yet more purposeful. I can’t say what the end result of the next four years will be, but that’s all part of the journey.

The course starts properly next week. I am performing to my guitarist friends in a performing class next week. My first concert is in less than a month. I will be playing some old and some new material. I’m sure the pressure will come, but for now, everything feels good and I am more excited about my future than I have been for a long, long time.

Out of control

Moving day is getting closer, many many things on the house list are getting done, but it's an unbelievably expensive time and there is a high level of panic going on.

I've spent most of the last week feeling thoroughly under the weather, having had two colds on the bounce, but have had to keep going because of the volume of stuff that needs to be done. People helpfully tell me to rest (bluntly in some cases), and to find time for myself, and I know they mean well but at the moment it's like a red rag to a bull.

In a way all I am doing is spending time on myself. I have a finite deadline, the classic cliche of an immovable feast, and apart from a lot of practical help from my parents, I really am on my own getting everything done. There is no other option. I can ease up once I've moved and once Fresher's Week is out of the way, but until then there is not much choice. Moving from one end of the country, from a huge house to a small house, does not just happen.

I've just taken 2 sick days from work. I have felt so ill that I have had to give in. I have tried to shut myself off from stressing about everything and sleep when I've needed to but my head is pounding so it's been difficult. It's scary being ill and managing my asthma and trying not to panic as it makes it worse. I drove my car across the road today to leave my drive free for the floor fitters, and felt very unsafe. Because I have handed my notice in at work, I am no longer entitled to sick pay. I frightened myself today by calculating that the money I have lost is equivalent to 3 months' food money. I am quite frugal on food for me and my pooches, plus I am not very tall, but even I can't exist on fresh air. That money will have to be found from somewhere.

Life is about to change in a huge way. It's completely what I've signed up for, but I am genuinely starting to panic. I'm completely overwhelmed. I think I feel worse about everything because I am ill, and am hoping I feel better on many levels very soon. People close to me are and have been much more ill, and I do know I am lucky to be generally healthy, and I am grateful, I really am.

I have a lot of clearing out to do - several years worth of accumulated clutter from a couple of previous live-in relationships, plus a LOT of sheet music and a LOT of bank/debt-related paperwork. Lots of clothes I don't wear, although I have been gradually getting more brutal on this front.

Once I have packed the things I want to take with me, I am moving into a new house, where I know no-one, and I am starting again. No security of a day-to-day work routine. Other than getting up, going to bed, eating and taking my dogs out, everything else is unknown.

It's a tremendous opportunity to build a whole new life, but I am under no illusion how hard it's going to be, and at the moment I am feeling very alone. This really isn't a pity party, although I know it sounds like it. I am excited too but also very bogged down right now.

I've taken some comfort from the fantastic FlyLady - all concept of housework/home management went out of the window a while ago but I don't want this lack of control to carry on into my new house.

I have to dig my harp out tomorrow as I have a wedding on Saturday and I need to practice. I haven't played since the last wedding I did 3 weeks ago. I feel guilty about it but haven't been able to spare any time for practicing.

I feel better this evening than I have done for days, so I am optimistic that tomorrow I will be better still, and I can start making things happen again.

DHC

So. Nightrider has passed, and I am left with no aches or pains, and some wonderful memories and the feeling that the night was one of the defining events in my life. Truly one of the best things I've ever done, up there with passing my motorbike test and finishing my first racing weekend at Brands Hatch in far from last place.

The harp has had a little bit of a rest since my recital, and I've had some time to mull over where I am going and what happens next.

I read many blogs, a number of them harp related, but one of the most interesting ones is that of Deborah Henson-Conant at http://www.hipharp.com/blog/

Deborah's influence on contemporary harp and performance cannot be overstated - I'll talk more about this another time. Recently she confirmed that she will be joining Steve Vai on a tour, and her blog has recently covered some of her preparation for this.

Today I read this post, and it really resonated/struck a chord/(insert musical cliche) with me. DHC - Field of Musical Landmines

It is SO good to know I'm not alone in feeling out of my depth when working with other musicians and taking the harp a little off piste. In particular, the explanation of playing the wrong notes even when you're playing the wrong string was so clear, and I will use it to mention to others.

Also her feeling of worrying whether the other musicians were wondering if the notes were wrong because she was playing them wrong, or if she hadn't worked out the harp logistics yet - I have been here so many times.

I'll be reading with interest and can't wait to hear some of the results of all her incredibly intensive work.

Mountains to move

So.... I got in! I haven't formally accepted yet but the decision is made and I have started the battle plan. In 5 months time I will be getting ready to start my 2nd week at the RCS.

If I think about things too hard, it all becomes rather overwhelming, and so I am trying to concentrate my energy on concrete things that need doing and sorting out - my house needs finishing off and putting up for sale, and I need to find somewhere to live north of the border. I've found this year that throwing myself into something distracting is a good way of combating any nerves!

In the mean time, I have a birthday gig for my harp buddy coming up this Friday, a pupils' concert later in May, and a faintly Jubilee themed recital in June.

My practice is becoming more and more focussed and I am loving the feeling of general satisfaction and productivity that is coming as a result. It's been a long time coming.

I've reduced the number of weddings I'm taking on this year, and boy was that a good idea in terms of overall workload and things to pack into my weeks. However the last one that I did was wonderful - beautiful surroundings, friendly guests and helpful venue staff. Best of all the bride wore an incredible and  very unique frock - and as a closet fashionista, I have to confess that a huge part of the excitement for me is seeing what the bride is going to wear!

Last Friday morning, I was thrilled to receive a really beautifully written thank you note for playing at a castle wedding in March. This was much appreciated as while the venue is stunning and the acoustics incredible, the logistics of getting the harp up to the ceremony room are not pleasant.

Overall, many small shifts are occurring - and I was really pleased to notice last week that I had a whole practice session where I felt physically relaxed while playing.

Back to reality

This is my first normal 5 day week at work for quite a while. In some ways, it's been good to get back to earth and try and re-establish a bit of a routine. My dogs have been in and out of the kennels, I've had a parking ticket and managed to go over my overdraft limit - both unlike me and entirely accidental. But it's definitely been a sign to just watch things a bit.

I've done some really good intense practice the last few days, and tonight was the best for a long time. I'm working on some duets for my harp buddy's birthday party in a couple of weeks, and working on some bits for my next recital which is in June. The audition has been a really good experience in so many ways, but mainly it has proved that when I really put my mind to it, I can achieve a lot in a short space of time. I can't keep that pace up indefinitely, but I have taken a lot from it and will be able to use this for a spot of re-balancing. (again!)

I'm working on I Feel Good, a piece written by Monika Stadler. I was incredibly lucky to work with her in Italy last year, I found her very inspirational and supportive both at and away from the harp. I Feel Good is probably my favourite of the pieces she has published, it starts so simply and then gets rather more complicated all the way through. It's pretty infectious and when she plays it, I can't help tapping my feet or clicking my fingers or something along with it.

Lastly, here are some photos from last weekend - it feels like so long ago already, I can't believe it was just a week ago. Our rather talented friend Natasha took them for us.

I did a gig on the Friday with John and Frankie, a real mixed bag where we did a mixture of jazz standards and blues songs, plus I did a couple of harp solos. I was begged to play Stairway to Heaven which went down rather to well - I'm hoping to get some video footage of this.

This was our last gig together for a little while, as Frankie was about to leave for Liverpool. It was an emotional night, and we all went that little bit further with our music and it really came off - the pub was packed, we had people dancing along while we played and the atmosphere was just brilliant. So we had a little photocall at the end of the night just for a souvenir, and I love this picture of all three of us together.

On the Sunday night, Frankie had a bit of a farewell jam night - she is a rather well connected girl so many local musicians came along to join in and see her off. 

One of my fantastic friends had built me a new stand for my electric harp, and seeing as this harp had brought me and Frankie together (I was playing it at an open mic night in town), it was really fitting that I played it the last time I would see her in her current incarnation. I broke my own golden rule, I was super tired and went out with dirty hair so looked a bit scruffy, but again I love the picture.

It's so sad to think we won't be together for a while - I have learnt so much from playing with Frankie and John. But it's hopefully been the start of something wonderful, and I plan to find some other poor unwitting souls to play with soon.

Extremely Relieved

Well I survived the audition!

After a reassuring practice the afternoon before, I took myself out for dinner and popped round to a new harp buddy's flat for supper. The day arrived, I managed some breakfast and had a good warm up. One of the girls at the conservatoire had texted me to ask which harp I wanted to use which was a really lovely touch, and really helped put me at ease. The harp I had used to practice on was really wonderful to play, and so I asked for this one again as it was now familiar.

To say I was incredibly nervous would be an understatement. But I got through, I played well in places and was pleased with how it went (compared to how I was afraid it might go, it was a breeze!).

I promised myself something nice to eat and drink afterwards, so after a little amble around the city centre, I found a nice little chocolate cafe in the St Enoch centre. I was feeling distinctly faint but managed to restrict myself to a large piece of Rocky Road and a pot of tea. I did this before I wandered around the rest of the shop, which was a smart move as I would have spent a LOT of money if I'd done it the other way round.

I was rather taken by the words on the side of my tea cup - advice for life indeed!

I had a little wander around some more, and then found myself in the stunning Frasers building.... wow. I love a department store, and this was one of the most beautiful I have ever been in. Don't ask me how I ended up strolling past the mens underwear (I swear it was the beautiful carving and glass!) but I happened to locate the champagne bar. It would seem that you can take the girl out of Essex but you can't take the Essex out of the girl!

Compared to down south, the prices were quite reasonable for a cocktail, and then I spotted a cocktail that ingeniously combined champagne AND gin, so I pulled up a chair and settled in. The cocktail was far too sweet, and the burger I ordered was rather too big after I'd tucked into the Rocky Road, but I was celebrating and I enjoyed every mouthful.

A massive weight has been lifted now, and I feel a lot more free again. My dogs are still in the kennels until tomorrow morning, so I am enjoying having the sofa to myself. But I have missed them terribly and I can't wait to take them for a good long stroll at the weekend.

I started working on an idea for a composition when I got in from the station tonight (long day in London for the day job) and am looking forward to getting more stuck into this now my audition is out of the way.

I have a rehearsal with my favouritest harp buddy on Saturday afternoon and can't wait to see her. Harp life is good if exhausting... mind you, check out my poor blistered right thumb! Yuk! Truly a warning to keep on top of your practice!

Bit of reflection

I have just done my last major practice session before my audition on Wednesday. So much logistical stuff to get through before then, but hopefully this should take my mind off things if nothing else!

I've had an incredible weekend - Friday was a gig at a lovely pub just on the edge of town, and was the last one with Frankie and John.

As ever there were a few random things in amongst the jazz and blues numbers, the audience was incredibly appreciative and the harp rather stole the show when Frankie asked me to play Stairway to Heaven! I'd played it at a restaurant the week before and it had gone down a storm. I normally hold back because it's such a guitar cliche, which is a shame as the harp arrangement by David Ice is brilliant.

I always think of my dad when I play this - having thought he was mostly a Bowie/Beatles/Abba fan all my life, he recently owned up to his Led Zep passion. He helped me at a photo shoot last year and Stairway was one of the pieces I was playing while the photographer did her thing. I am very much a daddy's girl so thinking of my dad while playing is always quite emotional. I had lots of compliments which has made my heart soar!

Saturday was a wedding - the bride wore a stunning dress (and believe me I have seen plenty in my time!) and the guests were lovely and so appreciative.

Last night was Frankie's farewell - another pub, and this time I got to take my electric harp out to play! One of my friends from my racing days has built me a stand for it and it did the trick. One of Frankie's friends took some brilliant pictures which I will put up when I get them. I met some great people and made some fab contacts which bodes well for what happens now Frankie is moving on.

Back to the audition.... I'm playing a Bach-Grandjany Etude (Sarabande from Violin Partita No 1 - just beautiful, and very slow and expressive which is right up my street), La Source (which can be a bit of a harp cliche!), and the Firedance by David Watkins (which my dad hates, and I have to say after years of loving this piece, I am on the verge of seeing what he means!). Plus a famous cadenza from the Nutcracker.

I haven't prepared as much as I would have liked, but I have done my best in the time available. I hope to relax my hideously tense muscles and go with the flow.

I read this blog post by Deborah Henson-Conant about 'Glide' and this has helped me visualise my performance and understand what I enjoy about performing. It's a great way of describing something that I've always found impossible to relate to others (and I'm thrilled she replied to my comment).

I am a big Harry Potter fan and have always loved the description of how he feels when he first chooses his new wand in the first book - the stars shooting out of his hand etc. I try to visualise this when I think about my performance.

Also the scene in Billy Elliott where he is asked in his audition how dancing makes him feel, and he struggles but eventually describes it as being like electricity.

And the fabulous scene in The Red Shoes where Victoria Page meets Boris Lermontov and the following exchange takes place after he is rather sneery:

Lermontov: Why do you want to dance?
Vicky: Why do you want to live?
Lermontov: Well, I don't know exactly why, but... I must.
Vicky: That's my answer too.